Published: 8 March 2021
Last updated: 4 March 2024
ADAM* WAS IN A SENIOR YEAR at Leibler Yavneh College in Melbourne when a rabbi at the Modern Orthodox school informed him that he should try to avoid wet dreams. “Sleep on your right side,” he was told. According to Gemara (a central component of Rabbinic Judaism), this would make him less likely to ejaculate.
Adam was religious and adhered strictly to his rabbi’s instructions. And so for several weeks, he tried to sleep in (what was for him) an unnatural position. He couldn’t, and his learning suffered.
In the same year level at Beth Rivkah Ladies College, Shira* sat for a “Relationships” talk given by her Jewish Studies teacher. The words were different but the sentiment the same: “When you’re engaged at perhaps 18 you will learn about sex.” Right now, and until then, “you shouldn’t do it, you’re not ready, boys are immature.”
Shira finished up at the Melbourne Orthodox girls’ school a few years later. She is sexually active and recalls that “the first time it happened, I didn’t really know it happened”. Today, her friends call her for advice because “they don’t know what to do.”
According to the Longitudinal Study of Australian Children, “by 16-17, around two thirds of teenagers had had a romantic relationship and around one third had had sexual intercourse.” By 18, around half of all Australians have had sex.
Some Jewish schools choose to shut their eyes to these facts because they conflict with the Jewish laws and value systems that underpin the education they offer to children. But the Jewish community does not exist in a vacuum: consent, pornography, sexually transmitted infections and online safety are huge issues, just as they are in all communities.
Young Jewish people need appropriate information to navigate these challenges and engage in healthy and respectful relationships. In Australian society, schools have been designated as the primary places to teach them.
In 2015, Daniel Shandler — a young, charismatic aid and mentor to students with learning difficulties at Bialik College — was asked to run some of the inclusive and pluralistic Jewish school’s sex education classes.
There are no minimum requirements to ensure a teacher is qualified to teach sex ed, which should come as no surprise to those who recall a gruff, forty-something PE teacher awkwardly explaining how to put a condom on a banana.
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Shandler became aware of this limitation in sex ed programs and identified a gap in the market, not just in Jewish schools but nationally. He and colleague Brandon Friedman developed a Year 6-12 curriculum, sending in young, approachable facilitators to engage students and deliver relevant and essential content about sex education and relationships.
Shandler noticed that the students “looked up at him as more relatable and were more willing to engage,” according to co-founder Friedman. “It was about not only who was delivering sex ed, but how it was being delivered and what was being covered.”
Today their company Elephant Ed works with over 100 schools, including Haileybury, Genazzano FCJ College and Caulfield Grammar School. Its curriculum is age appropriate and aligned with the national guidelines, covering topics such as puberty and introducing sex; addressing porn v reality and consent when students mature; and ending with pleasure, intimacy, privilege and fertility. Overlaying each session is a Q&A, where students can ask anonymous questions about anything on their mind.
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It was about not only who was delivering sex ed, but how it was being delivered and what was being covered - Brandon Friedman
In Friedman’s words, Elephant Ed’s aim is to “reinforce open, respectful, consensual relationships with intimate partners [and] with one’s own bodies.” While historically, sex ed has been “confined to the physical”, Friedman says that his organisation “tries to bring in the social and emotional impact” of sexual and romantic relationships.
In some ways it’s working. Students at several Jewish schools (Mount Scopus, Bialik, Yavneh and King David) speak fondly of their experiences with Elephant Ed, emphasising the casual and interactive approach to the sessions. School programs are the most used and trusted source of information about sexuality and relationships, and most students prefer trained young people, who have more credibility than schoolteachers.
But the frequency of these programs is inconsistent, varying between year levels and across schools. The programs’ interactions with Halacha (Jewish Law) have also created conflict.
Ellie*, a recent graduate from Mount Scopus Memorial College, recalls how little sex was spoken about at the modern Orthodox school. “For things that aren’t related to how to better your ATAR”, she says, “the school might not have as much time to dedicate”, which means, “there is more to uncover yourself.”
According to Ellie, who recalls only two sex ed classes in her last two years of school (both with Elephant Ed), some students turn to porn as a means of education, despite being warned away.
This has created new problems for young people, says Maree Crabbe, Director of the Australian violence prevention project about pornography and young people. “Pornography is becoming this generation’s default sex educator and is shaping the sexual paradigm in ways that are unprecedented,” she says.
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Porn creates unrealistic expectations of sex, portrays the male as the dominant party in almost all sexual encounters, and often depicts sex as violent, aggressive, and occasionally non-consensual.
At a time where one in 10 female university students say they were sexually assaulted in 2015 or 2016, and around half of girls aged 16-17 said they had experienced unwanted sexual behaviour towards them in the past 12 months, the blurring of consent inherent in pornography is a growing issue in teaching about healthy sexual relationships.
The Jewish Independent approached the Australian Council of Jewish Schools for a comment about the state of sex ed in Jewish schools, but Executive Director Len Hain said, “this is a matter for each respective school.”
When The Jewish Independent approached Mount Scopus Principal Rabbi James Kennard for comment about these issues, he responded: “Given that this is such a complex and nuanced area, I do not believe that an article will be able to cover the issues accurately and informatively. Therefore, Mount Scopus will not be participating in your research.”
However, Avi Cohen, a Deputy Principal of Mount Scopus for 10 years until his retirement in 2020, was happy to talk about the subject. “Scopus came to wellbeing a bit later than others,” he says. “Part of the problem was that there were a number of teachers comfortable teaching relationships but less comfortable teaching sex ed.”
Today, Cohen says that Elephant Ed deals with the more sensitive issues, while Scopus’s trained teachers run “Life Values” classes, incorporating both relationships and sex education.
These changes are too late for recent graduating students like Ellie, who received little or no practical sex education in their formative years. But for students commencing middle school in 2021, the experience is different. Establishing a safe environment takes time. And Cohen is confident that Mount Scopus has “made very good process.”
Scopus came to wellbeing a bit later than others. Part of the problem was that there were a number of teachers comfortable teaching relationships but less comfortable teaching sex ed - Avi Cohen, former Deputy Principal of Mount Scopus College
Conversations with current and ex-students at most Melbourne Jewish schools suggest that the tide is indeed slowly shifting. Sex ed curriculums are more developed, beginning earlier and continuing throughout. Schools are more likely to use external facilitators and trained teachers, and inclusive language is common.
Adam, who eventually stopped trying to sleep on his right side, said that back then, sex was a “taboo topic… a scary thing”, which delayed his maturity with sex and romance. Adam recalls being uncomfortable around women; he had “no idea what they were going through.”
Today, although Jewish Law continues to demand no intimate contact until straight marriage, Leibler Yavneh College invites Elephant Ed to speak to its Year 10 students. At the time of publication, the college had not responded to requests for comment, but according to current students who spoke to The Jewish Independent, the school is more open than it was before; it understands that a majority of kids won’t wait until marriage.
But while Yavneh invites external educators in, its own educators emphasise that the best option to stay safe physically and emotionally is abstinence, according to students who spoke to The Jewish Independent. And despite issuing a recent policy titled The Wellbeing of LGBTI+ Pupils — A Guide for Orthodox Jewish Schools, which contains a commitment “to creating a safe and inclusive community”, the school has done little to educate students about same-sex relationships. Yavneh’s rabbis take relationships courses for the boys, focusing exclusively on future relationships with women, the students said.
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Parents who send their kids to an Orthodox Jewish school need to know what they’re enrolling their child into — that may mean they’re accepting an approach that doesn’t match the reality of the child’s life - David Opat, King David School
In some ways the outlook is similar at Scopus, where Ellie says, “a lot of the conversation is heteronormative” (treating heterosexuality as the default sexual orientation). One former Scopus teacher (who asked not to be named for this article) agrees. He says that Jewish customs are “always represented by a heterosexual couple… never an Ima and Ima lighting candles, or Aba and Aba saying the prayers.” “If you’re not heterosexual… you think you’re abnormal because you don’t see yourself.”
Avi Cohen acknowledges that may have been the case 10 years ago, but says that today, “the school is committed to an inclusive framework.” He gives the example of Kabbalat Shabbat programs, where “family goes to shule, rather than mother and father.”
In developing Scopus’s new sex ed program, Cohen tackled the central question many Jewish schools are facing: How does an Orthodox Jewish school based on traditional values teach sex education to students with diverse sexual orientations, who may be sexually active and not always religious? The answer is often muddled, as Cohen explained:
“You can’t turn around and ignore the Torah.” “The school has been very clear that it is an inclusive school.
“We are saying, Halacha says you shouldn’t have sex before marriage; on the other hand, we recognise students do have sex before marriage.
Many high-school students in all these schools are sexually active. Many others are engaged in romantic relationships. And all of them are experiencing changes to their bodies. The schools’ reluctance to acknowledge these realities can overwhelm students - US religious educator Dr Rivka Schwarz
“We need to teach students that sex is part of a healthy relationship, not just a random hook up.”
Despite these mixed messages, the progress at Scopus, whose student cohort is mostly not religious, shows a marked difference from some of Melbourne’s more religious Jewish schools. At Yeshivah College, recent graduate David* says he was told by former principal, Rabbi Yehoshua Smukler, “if you feel tingles in your pants, don’t put your hands down there.”
Rabbi Smukler, now principal of Moriah College in Sydney, denied saying this, telling The Jewish Independent, through his assistant, that “he has never said anything like this and never would, and that is not the language that he uses”. David says Yeshiva College treats students “as if no one has any experience in anything”, hoping that “everyone is pure and innocent and stuck in the Jewish bubble their whole life.”
At Beth Rivkah, Yeshivah’s sister school, students are asked to wait until marriage. Before they stand under the chuppah, the young brides-to-be will attend “Kallah classes”, where they will be schooled in the art of marriage etiquette, including the intricacies of sex. Until then, the school sees no need for sex education.
The schools’ approaches reflect their religious values, and perhaps the values of their clients — the parents whose school fees fund the schools. But as Elephant Ed co-founder Brandon Friedman says, “the student cohort doesn’t necessarily align with the school’s values.”
Many high-school students in all these schools are sexually active. Many others are engaged in romantic relationships. And all of them are experiencing changes to their bodies. The schools’ reluctance to acknowledge these realities can overwhelm students, according to the New York religious educator and contemporary Orthodox expert Dr Rivka Schwartz.
“[It can overwhelm] by shame and guilt because of the gulf between what their schools… have taught them and what they are doing, a pain that they carry privately even as they go about their Orthodox lives.”
At the King David School, Melbourne’s Progressive Jewish day school, the sex education curriculum is designed by a former child psychologist who has been in the student wellbeing space for his entire 23-year tenure. David Opat wrote the Prep - Year 12 “Scope and Sequence” program two decades ago, and every year he and the school re-write it. Pornography is discussed in Year 9, “possibly Year 8”; it was previously introduced in Year 11.
Masturbation is presented as a normal human behaviour. The Year 7 class “What is sex?” addresses foreplay, intercourse, homosexual sex and “everything that goes around that.” Elephant Ed facilitators are used for topics better taught by young people, while teachers take the biological aspects of sex.
The school reserves Jewish Law for Jewish Studies classes. “We teach a pragmatic approach”, says Opat. “In our sex ed program, we say ‘what is the reality of our kids’ lives?’ We don’t tell people how to live their lives… we don’t sit there and say, ‘I wish the kids weren’t doing this, it says no in the Torah, so we’re not going to teach about it.’”
As a Progressive Jewish school, there is no barrier to King David teaching progressive sex education. There is no disconnect between parents’ expectations and the reality of their kids’ education.
But Opat says parents who send their kids to an Orthodox Jewish school “need to know what they’re enrolling their child into — that may mean they’re accepting an approach that doesn’t match the reality of the child’s life.”
In that case, “the parent has a responsibility in the sex ed area beyond the school… because they know the reality is their child is doing things which the school doesn’t talk about.”
* Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the students
Beth Rivkah Ladies College declined to comment for this article. Yeshivah College and Bialik College did not respond to requests for comment.
Ilustration: Avi Katz
